We often think of friendship as something steady. We’re not taught to expect conflict, distance, or breakups—especially when there hasn’t been a clear fight or betrayal.
But according to Susan Shapiro Barash, many female friendships end not with a blowup, but with a slow fade. You stop reaching out. They stop making plans. And over time, the friendship quietly dissolves. Sometimes we don’t realize it’s happened until months—or even years—have gone by.
These endings can feel disorienting, not because something dramatic happened, but because nothing did. You’re left holding questions you don’t know how (or whether) to ask.
Why friendships shift more often in midlife
Susan’s research shows that the dynamics of women’s friendships tend to change in midlife for a few reasons:
We have less time and energy for relationships that feel one-sided or draining
Big life events—career shifts, divorce, parenting, loss—can change what we need from the people around us
We start to reflect more on who we are now, not just who we’ve always been
That reflection can bring clarity. It can also bring discomfort, especially when we realize a relationship that used to feel essential now feels misaligned.
It doesn’t mean the friendship wasn’t real. It just means it may have been tied to a version of you that no longer fits.
Signs a friendship might be shifting
If you’re unsure whether something’s actually changed, here are a few patterns Susan highlighted that often signal a friendship is in transition:
You’re the one always initiating contact or making plans
Time together feels more like obligation than enjoyment
You leave interactions feeling depleted, not energized
You start filtering yourself or not sharing as openly
The relationship feels tied to a role or identity you no longer relate to
Friendships don’t have to end to be different—but noticing these shifts can help you decide how to move forward.
What to do if you’re unsure whether to let go or repair
This came up a lot in our conversation: the awkward in-between space. When no one’s said anything, but it’s clear things aren’t what they used to be.
If you’re sitting in that space, consider these questions:
What do I miss about this friendship?
Do I feel relief or regret when I imagine letting it go?
What would I need to say or hear to feel more clear?
If you do want to reconnect, Susan suggests being honest—not performative. Instead of sending a vague “hey stranger” message, try naming what’s changed. You could say:
“I know we haven’t talked much lately, and I’ve been thinking about you. I’d love to catch up, if you’re open to it.”
Not every friendship can (or should) be revived. But the ones that matter are usually worth at least one clear conversation.
Moving forward with more clarity
We don’t always have language for this part of life—when friendships shift without explanation and we’re left to figure out what, if anything, to do next.
But being honest with yourself about what you want from the relationships around you is a powerful step. Whether you choose to reconnect or let something go, you don’t have to keep carrying the uncertainty.
If this is something you’ve been navigating, I think you’ll find this conversation helpful.
Listen to the full episode here:
Susan Shapiro Barash
Susan Shapiro Barash has written over a dozen non-fiction books including Tripping the Prom Queen, Toxic Friends and You’re Grounded Forever, but First Let’s Go Shopping. For more than twenty years she taught gender studies and Marymount Manhattan College and has guest taught creative nonfiction at the Writing Institute at Sarah Lawrence College. Her fiction is published under her pen name, Susannah Marren.
She has been featured in The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, New York Post, Chicago Tribune, Elle, Marie Claire, and has appeared on national television including the Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS, CNN, and MSNBC. Barash has been a guest on national radio including NPR and Sirius Radio. Speaking appearances include Credit Suisse, Bayer Diagnostics, UBS, United Way, Kravis Center and the Society of the Four Arts. Several of her titles have been optioned by Lifetime and HBO.
www.susanshapirobarash.com
