Ep. 377 How to Apologize Better with Jonathan Bui

Apologizing is one of the hardest parts of maintaining healthy relationships. Many of us avoid it, rush through it, or deliver it half-heartedly, only to find that it doesn’t actually resolve the conflict. Instead of creating closure, apologies often open a new round of arguments. Learning how to apologize more effectively can transform conflict from something that divides us into something that strengthens our connections.

Why Apologies Backfire

Most people can relate to the scenario: you’re at a stalemate in an argument with your partner, and one of you offers a grudging apology just to move things along. Instead of making things better, the apology gets critiqued—too insincere, not for the right thing, or lacking acknowledgment of the real issue. What was meant to end the conflict only fuels it further.

Apologies backfire when they:

• Feel rushed or obligatory
  
• Don’t clearly state what you’re sorry for
  
• Focus on excuses instead of responsibility
  
• Skip over how the other person feels
  
  

The Real Goal of an Apology

According to conflict resolution expert Jon Bui, the goal of an apology isn’t simply to “say sorry” or even to end the argument. The real purpose is forgiveness and reconnection. An apology is a vehicle for repair—a way of showing empathy, owning your part, and opening space for the relationship to move forward.

Apologies on a Spectrum

Not all apologies are the same. Some situations call for an immediate “sorry” (like bumping into someone at the store). Others benefit from taking time to reflect, calm down, and gather information before you apologize. Recognizing that apologies exist on a spectrum can help you choose the right timing and tone.

Seeing Things from the Other Person’s POV

A powerful part of apologizing is fact-finding. Instead of assuming how the other person feels, Jon recommends asking them directly.

• What impact did my words or actions have?
  
• How did they interpret what happened?
  
• What was going on for them in that moment?
  
  

Understanding their perspective gives you the full picture—and helps your apology feel more genuine because it addresses what actually hurt them, not just what you think you did wrong.

Why It Feels Easier to Apologize to Kids

Many adults find it easier to apologize to children than to their spouse or peers. With kids, the power dynamic makes us less defensive. With adults, pride and fear of losing ground often get in the way. Yet apologizing to our children is just as important—it models accountability and healthy conflict resolution.

The Problem of Karmic Mismatch

Jon introduced the idea of a karmic mismatch—when one person apologizes but the other doesn’t. You’ve taken responsibility for your role, but the other person hasn’t acknowledged theirs. The balance feels off, and resentment builds.

Instead of waiting for a matching apology that may never come, the solution is to identify what you really need—acknowledgment, change in behavior, or simply to be heard—and communicate that directly.

The Steps of an Effective Apology

Jon outlined a process that moves apologies beyond words:

1. Acknowledge the harm and state clearly what you’re apologizing for.
   
2. Take responsibility without excuses.
   
3. Seek understanding by asking about the other person’s experience.
   
4. Express empathy for their perspective.
   
5. Take action—follow through with behaviors that show you’re making things right.
   
   

“Your words are only as good as your actions,” Jon explained. The apology conversation is the place to discover what needs to change so the relationship can truly heal.

Takeaway

Apologizing will never feel completely easy, but it doesn’t have to make things worse. By aiming for reconnection, understanding the other person’s point of view, and committing to action, apologies can stop being a source of resentment and start being a tool for stronger, healthier relationships.